So, I just came out of the loo, livid with (I haven’t yet coined a word for this emotion yet). Am not really sure if the news of this 13 year old dude aptly named ‘Alfie’ making his 15 year old girlfriend pregnant, and I guess the Hollywood version of ‘Kya Kehna’ (Juno) more or less inspired his elder girlfriend to keep the baby instead of you know the ‘A’ word got any attention amidst all the chaddi throwing (though I have my own reservations on both the color and the chaddi, would have preferred it to be grey and boxers with loony toons on it). I mean alright, I agree that in the next century when I do have twins they will be doing the hokey – pokey way before this dude, but dammit they better wear a rubber. But then again, the dude’s intention was to become a father…guess wearing a rubber wouldn’t have helped him. But at least it would have not revolted things deep inside my tummy, some of the things were so deep I don’t even remember what it was when it went inside my mouth… I mean what an appalling nightmare! I think I just got turned off for the next couple of years. Sorry ladies, but really if you have any complaints please address that dumb fucking 13 year old who wanted to be Dad… When I was 13 all I wanted to do was shave so that I can get some kind of facial hair. I am not really sure if the fact that Alfie doesn’t get any pocket money upset me, or was it the ghastly ghostly pale skinned girl who happens to be Alfie’s kid’s mother. I mean dude, wasn’t there a better looking girl in the neighborhood who wanted to do things? I mean sure I have played doctor – doctor, Ghar – Ghar, you know the usual games a boy can play at that age without his sexual orientation path being predicted by on-lookers, I have done funny stuff, and even sometimes with ugly girls…but I din’t do no funny stuff with them, though I did do some cool things with the pretty ones (the tormented boy genius bit always works)… But…sheeeshhh… I never wanted to have a baby, and I definitely did not want to know how it was to be a father. Nope! No sir…not for one second… I want to know which serial or movie that bugger watched when this light bulb of an idea hit him…Because my twins definitely are not going to watch that ever… Maybe, some of angst may have to do with the fact that having babies was never cool in hindi movies which came out in 80s and 90s, or the fact that Ihad not till then learnt to appreciate my father enough to be like him…not that it has changed anytime soon…But am guessing the movies had more to do with the fact that I did not want babies. When I was 13, all I wanted to do was run around the swiss alps with my imaginary girlfriend (notice, girlfriend, for those who did not get the hint, suggesting monogamy, Yes! I was a nice innocent Shahrukh Khan wanna be back then, and I guess to some extent even today, was being the operative word here). The ratio of pretty women greatly decreases when you come down south in this country and hence I had to contend singing songs which would be featured as dream sequences where the hero sings about the heroine’s dark tresses, or the limpid dark cess pool of darkness which would be her eyes, so on and all you get what I am talking about… with imaginary girlfriends… I mean who even thinks about having a kid dude? Especially when you are 13 years old? Well Alfie for starters I guess… I want babies to cross over the whole being born and annoyingly crying in movie theatres, waking up in the middle of the night to check on them bit. I want them to be delivered when they have been potty trained and have been sent to obedience school. And I am definitely not going to be watching the baby come out in all shit and blood, I would like to be guy who anxiously awaits for the nurse to come out and give the news kind. You know hindi movie style…And I am definitely not going to potty train…I will be the one the twins adore and hero – worship and in turn I will spoil them senseless, making them know the use of their 3rd leg and more importantly the rubber which will go on top of it. The scolding bit and all the ugly parts of parenting can be taken care by my other half at that point of time. Yes, I know, I am an inconsiderate jerks, but for god sakes you have to agree even though you may not say it out aloud like me, just born babies with that squishy jute thread hanging from their stomach is not a pretty sight. I know, before I got these Greek God Adonis kind of looks (which is getting squidgy around the edges), when I had one of those squishy things, I looked so horrible that the, then, Spartan queen almost threw me down the well of death with the other ugly kids. But then, I guess the ever faithful smile helped out I guess. But, I don’t remember any of those things, because they and I were so ugly they have been erased from the anals (see how I played around with annals and anal…clever won’t you say… :D… oh never mind anyway! ) of history. Well, I just want to wish Alfie best of luck wiping somebody else’s ass at the same time finding somebody to wipe his. And I aint wiping anybody else’s other than my own…
Ps: Don’t even get me started on that girlfriend of his…I swear… Pps: Going out to go stock up on those rubbers, one never knows what will trigger to the turn off into on… (and I haven’t quite perfected the smiley with the devil horns…if you know it…picture it…it comes here…)